


Certified

by Tallulah_Rasa



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Dr. Seuss references, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-07 08:30:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1892244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah_Rasa/pseuds/Tallulah_Rasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 2 SG-1 undergoes a psych evaluation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Certified

**Author's Note:**

> Set post "The Tok'ra." Originally posted in 2003.
> 
> Just a heads up: The team discusses -- and jokes about -- addiction and psychiatry in the course of this thing. No disrespect is intended; it's kind of gallows humor. If these are serious issues for you, you might want to skip this story.
> 
> Also: Lox is another name for smoked salmon.

"So, another psych evaluation," Jack said to his assembled troops as they sat in the infirmary waiting room. He was antsy, as he always was before a battle. He wished the doctor on call would go ahead and call, already.

"I do not understand the reluctance with which you all face this procedure," Teal'c said.

"It's just another bureaucratic hoop to jump through, the same old, same old," Jack said to Teal'c, with an eye on Daniel. "I mean, what's a shrink going to say that we don't already know? We're all crazy to be doing this job. And on top of that, Daniel's an addict."

Daniel put down the copy of _The International Journal of Archeology_ he'd taken along to the infirmary. "Me?"

"Oh, yeah."

"No way."

"Way. Definitely way."

"Jack, I'm not addicted to anything."

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Yes."

" _No_."

"Rocks," Jack said, with the air of someone who's just scored the winning goal.

"Inappropriate sarcasm," Daniel countered.

"Chocolate walnut cookies," Sam said thoughtfully. Daniel gave her his kicked puppy look and picked up his journal again, while Jack rocked back in his chair with a self-satisfied smirk. "On the other hand," she continued, "inappropriate sarcasm, yeah. And bad jokes."

"I do not understand this competition," Teal'c said. "And it appears you are equating passion with addiction. I do not believe they are the same. Is not addiction a physical or chemical dependence?"

"Ah ha!" Jack crowed. "Coffee!"

"That could apply to almost anyone," Sam hazarded, as Teal'c chimed in, "Have you never encountered a situation in which you became temporarily habituated to a mind-altering agent?"

Jack was silent for a moment.

"Hangovers are a messy business," Sam added helpfully.

"Yes," Jack said. "Well, I--"

Daniel quirked one eyebrow, as did Teal'c. Sam merely looked skeptical.

"Rocks," Jack finished defiantly. "I mean, let's face it, _rocks_."

" _The_ _ Simpsons_," Daniel said, pointing at Jack with his journal. He was trying not to smile, and almost succeeding. "And hockey."

"Hey! It's the entertainment of the gods!"

"I have read many of your world's holy books," Teal'c said. "I do not recall that any of your gods watched hockey."

"I think he meant _The Simpsons_," Sam said.

"I see," said Teal'c. "However, I still do not understand the reason for this conversation."

There was a moment of silence. Daniel shifted in his chair, twisted his journal, and sighed. "It's a way of dealing with stress, Teal'c," he finally said.

"What is a way of dealing with stress? And to which stress do you refer?"

"Joking," Daniel said. "Insulting each other. Teasing each other. It's a way of dealing with-- well, this. The whole...psychiatric evaluations are stressful, Teal'c. Or, they can be. The idea of being assessed by people who have no qualifications to do so..." He shook his head.

"The doctors are qualified, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said. "They must undergo years of training and testing, and have received military clearance to serve in this facility."

"The only person qualified to evaluate your state of mind is another Jaffa First Prime who's revolted against his false god, and joined an alien race on another planet in an effort to free his people from the Goa'uld," Daniel said.

Teal'c considered this. "To my knowledge, there is no other who fits this description in your universe," he finally said.

"Exactly," Daniel said. He rolled and unrolled _The International Journal of Archeology_ a few times before beginning to leaf through the pages again. Sam looked at Jack, who shrugged.

"We are required to have evaluations," Teal'c said. "And I believe they are considered useful for anyone dealing with a difficult situation. Dr. Fraiser has said that Dr. MacKenzie even suggested Cassandra speak with him after..."

"Like _that_ would help," Daniel said, eyes still on his journal. He slumped in his seat, apparently concentrating on an article, though, in an unusual break with tradition, he hadn't yet burst out with an announcement that everything in it, everything, was wrong.

Teal'c said, "I am sorry. If this an inappropriate topic of disc--"

Daniel appeared to be oblivious, but Jack broke in, anyway. "It's okay, Teal'c. Daniel can't help who he is." At Teal'c's blank face, Jack went on, "He's just a guy with a one-track mind. A guy who's addicted to rocks."

Daniel looked up then, having been paying attention, after all. "Lox?"

"Not lox," Jack corrected, with exaggerated courtesy. " _Rocks_."

"Oh, okay," Daniel said, and went back to his journal. He looked up again, chewing his lip. "Not that there's anything wrong with lox."

"Not a thing," Jack said.

"No," Daniel said.

"Some of my best friends..." Sam said.

"Eat lox?" Jack asked.

"Are Nox," Daniel said, with a little smile, putting down his journal. He didn't mark his place.

"Do they like it in a box? Do they like it in their socks?" Jack sing-songed. Charlie loved that book; Jack must have read it to him a thousand times.

Sam stared, but Daniel picked up the thread without missing a beat. "Do they like it on their planet, after it's been cleared by Janet?"

Then Sam got it. "Do they like it diced so fine on P3X-2489?" she asked, always the over-achiever.

"The Nox will eat green lox and ham," Teal'c intoned. "And so I say, for Teal'c I am."

Daniel laughed so hard Jack thought he might rupture something. That set Sam off. Teal'c nodded complacently and said, "I asked General Hammond to show me books beloved by children of this world, that I might share them with Ry'ac. 'Green Eggs and Ham' is a favorite of his granddaughters. I, too, find it appealing."

"'The Nox will eat green lox and ham!' " Daniel hooted.

"The rhythm of this writing, when repeated aloud, is also most conducive to the successful attainment of Kel No'reem," Teal'c told them.

"Especially if you're in your socks, sitting on a box," Sam said, and the legendary warriors of the Tau'ri erupted again.

Dr. MacKenzie chose that moment to come in with Dr. Fraiser. He said something about stress and its effects on team dynamics, but no one could hear it over the laughter. Daniel started choking, and Jack had to pound him on the back until he could breathe normally again. "Thanks," Daniel wheezed.

Jack grinned. "Always here for you, Daniel."

Daniel grinned back.

As the team quieted, Dr. Fraiser held up a huge bag. "I'm sorry we're so late. I know this evaluation is going to tie up your afternoon, so I stopped to get lunch for everyone. I got some bagels, and some sliced turkey, and cheese, and some roast beef. Oh, and I even got some smoked salmon. Who wants what?"

"They have a strange sense of humor," MacKenzie said when three quarters of the team dissolved into laughter again.

"They're a strange bunch," Janet said, shaking her head fondly. "But I think they're going to pass this evaluation with flying colors."

"Damn straight," Jack said, over Daniel and Sam's whooping. "You'll never keep us from doing our jobs."

"Indeed," Teal'c said. "You could say we are addicted."

"To lox," Sam said, trying unsuccessfully to stifle her laughter long enough to bite into a mound of turkey and cheese piled on a plain bagel.

"And the Nox," Daniel said, snagging two bagels and handing the sesame one to Teal'c.

"And some of us are overly fond of rocks," Jack said.

"Inappropriate sarcasm," Daniel said pointedly in Jack's direction. "Hockey. Homer. You want the onion bagel? I can take the poppy."

"Is _anyone_ ready for this evaluation?" Dr.  MacKenzie sighed.

"I'll go," Sam said, hurriedly swallowing a mouthful. "Jack and Teal'c haven't eaten yet, and Daniel's in the middle of a journal article."

"No, we'll flip a coin," Jack said. "Or draw straws. Loser gets evaluated first."

Daniel stood up. "No, I'll go. It's okay. Everything in this article's wrong, anyway. It says Egyptians traveling to the Americas must have influenced the Mayans, which is so wrong that even the editors have t--"

"Are you sure?" MacKenzie asked.

"Are you kidding? The Mayans evolved totally separately. Any idiot can see that, even without knowing about the Goa'uld. You only have to look at--"

"I think he means the exam," Jack broke in. "Are you sure you want to go first?"

Daniel turned and did the eyebrow thing, so Jack was pretty sure Daniel had been toying with MacKenzie just then. "Insanely so," Daniel said.

"Perhaps these fitness evaluations can best be done by our peers," Teal'c said. "We, after all, rely on one another, and know one another in a way a cursory examiner cannot."

"And how would you evaluate each other?" Janet asked, smiling.

"We're all crazy," Jack said firmly.

"Definitely," Sam agreed.

"Especially Jack," Daniel said, grabbing for the chocolate chip bagel he'd just noticed on the pile.

"I concur," Teal'c said, and bowed his head.

"Well, that's good enough for me," Janet Fraiser said. "Dr. MacKenzie, I think they're good to go. I'll just fill out the report for General Hammond..."

"Very funny," Dr. MacKenzie said.

"You have to lighten up, Doctor," Jack said. "Learn to relax. Are you under a lot of stress? You might want to see someone about that."

"He hates you, you know," Janet said in a stage whisper to Jack, nodding toward the SGC psychiatrist.

"I bring that out in people," Jack said. He felt rather pleased with himself.

"It's Jack's strongest asset in the field," Daniel said over his shoulder as he followed Dr. MacKenzie into an examining room.

There was a period of semi-quiet, as the team members still in the waiting room paced, shifted seats, and occasionally revisited the mound of food on the conference table. "What is it with you guys and psych exams?" Janet finally asked.

"They bring out something in us," Jack said, fishing though the pile for just the right bagel. "Defiance, I think."

"Defense," Teal'c corrected. Jack gave him a look. "We are warriors," Teal'c continued. "If we see a threat to our teammates we act to defend each other in whatever way promises the best hope of success."

Sam stopped in the middle of a reaching for another bagel and sank back into her chair. "You could be right, Teal'c. I mean, these exams do sometimes feel like a kind of attack." She rubbed her hands over her arms. "They can be a little...unsettling."

Jack moved with assurance as her voice trailed off. "Well, yeah," he said, piling roast beef on the last poppy seed bagel. "For you. You've got all those father issues."

"Sir!" Sam sputtered, as Janet yelped, "Colonel!" Teal'c merely sat, assessing, one eyebrow raised.

"Oh, come on, Carter," Jack said, waving his sandwich for emphasis. "Tell me you don't have to fight the urge to say, _Sometimes my father is such a snake..._ "

There was a moment of silence. Jack thought he could hear Daniel laughing from MacKenzie's office, though it might have been MacKenzie whimpering.

"Indeed," Teal'c said. He might have been laughing, too.

Sam looked at them both, and then speared a blueberry bagel and slathered it with cream cheese. "Actually," she said, "the one I struggle with is, _My father talks out of both sides of his mouth_. "

Jack nodded. "And _Two heads are better than one,_  too. Am I right?"

Janet looked from one to the other and sighed. "You really _are_ all crazy, you know that?"

Jack grinned. This was news? "It's just a hobby," Jack said.

"Not an addiction," Teal'c added.

"I can quit any time I want," Sam chimed in, slightly muffled by blueberry bagel.

"Uh, guys?" Daniel broke in. "Doctor MacKenzie's ready for the next victim."

"That was quick," Jack said around a mouthful of poppy seed and roast beef. "So, what's the verdict?"

Daniel shifted from foot to foot. "Well, apparently I'm sane and fit for duty."

"Too bad," Jack said. "Well, stick with me. I'll cure you of that. Among other things."

"Go ahead and try, flyboy," Daniel said.

"I wish someone would cure the two of you of sniping," Janet said. "Talk about addictions!"

"It's merely a bad habit," Jack and Daniel said at the same time. They looked at each other, said "What?" in unison, and abruptly looked away.

"I'm going to my, uh--" Daniel said, gesturing to the hall.

"And I'm going to sit in the waiting room and, uh, wait," Jack said.

"Certifiable," Janet Fraiser said, rolling her eyes at Teal'c.

"Can I get that in writing?" Jack said.

 

END


End file.
